Some drops of blood & some pains – A Bloody Hand
April 27, 2009 § 16 Comments
Some times we have so much pain inside our heart. And some times, some unlucky and unfortunate people on this world don’t even have the chance to express their pain to make themselves lighter. Some times our pains are so heavy in our vain that it stops our breathing, it stops the time and it does stop our life. Then we cannot keep that pain inside our heart. Somehow we have to take it out from our body and release and so that we can feel a little bit lighter.
When we don’t have anybody to express and share our pains we got nothing to do. Our pains are mixed up with our bloods – that’s that I believe. So can we take our pain out through our blood. Just take some blood out out of our body and then her ewe go, some pain are out. When I see the blood drops are falling on the floor and splashing up, what do I feel? I found out that the smaller drops makes bigger and sharper splashes then the bigger drops. Doest that mean that sometimes some small pains can make us so painful? Why sometimes blood comes out like it is so cheap and it doesn’t have any wish to stay inside our body? Sometimes I cannot find any difference between blood and water.
I have lost something today. Something very significant in my life. I think the most significant, the most meaningful and the most important person of my life. I am not sure yet whether I have lost that person completely. But I think I am on that way. I wish I can show this world that I don’t want to lose that person. But, I cannot hold her as well. She has gone so far already. All my hearts are crying to stop her but I have got nothing to stop her. My words, my wishes, my breath or my blood – nothing is stopping her. It made me so much painful and made me so heavy that I couldn’t and I cant bear it. I don’t know what did I do wrong but I only know on thing that I never want her to go. I wish I can cut my chest and bring my heart out and show her what is inside for her. But, I guess, I am not that brave. I feel very useless sometimes. I don’t know what is in her mind and what is happening around her, I don’t know what is true and what is false – but I just know one thing, and that is I am the one who always loses. My life has become very cheap but my survivals has become very very expensive. To breath one time I have to pay with many valuable possessions of my life. Now that I got my heart in so much pain and so much in heavy state, I don’t know how to take that pain out of my body. I tired everything – talking to myself in front of the mirror, talking to the cat in the house, talking to the Tulip tree in the back yard, pulling my hair, closing my eyes, taking tears out from eyes and make it dry and finally taking bloods out of my body. But this pain is so much in weight that nothing is working with it. I can’t take this out of my body. I am feeling so much pain inside but nobody can understand it. I wish that person can understand it. I wish that person can see the pain inside me. But I guess, I am one of those unfortunate people in this world who doesn’t deserve anything at all. Who doesn’t worth to have a life or a dream or anything.
I wish I could be in a better position. I wish I could be in a better situation. I wish I could take my pain out. I wish I could show her what is inside me. All these things I only can wish I suppose. At the very edge of my life now I can see only darkness hugging me tightly. I want to tell her now How much I do love her. But I cannot. She will never know it. Perhaps she will never understand it. May be she will know it someday, but I guess it will be too late. So be it. If that person reading this, then I want to tell her once again, in front of the whole world, the three words and probably those three words are forbidden for me to pronounce but still I don’t care.
“I Love You, I love you more than anything, I love you more than anybody
anybody in this world, I love you with all my heart and soul, I love you
with my all dreams and I love you with my life which is cursed and
which has now ended.”