An Ultimate Journey – Never Ending

March 18, 2009 § 5 Comments


Now a days I really feel tired of life for some reason. I am losing interest in doing things. I know the world around me is so colorful but it is becoming very pale for me. I feel suffocated. I feel like I am in a cage and I can’t get out from here. I want to breath like ocean but however I can’t even breath like a melting ice. 

Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason. I sit on my bed and I start thinking. But I cannot track my thoughts by any means. I cannot concentrate in anything. My life has changed a lot in the last few months and I have completely off the track where I used to be. I feel like I am in the middle of nowhere. I meet friends, I go office, I laugh, I smile and I make fun, I walk, I drive, I take the tram sometimes, I sit beside the river or I walk through the park – but I cannot get the meaning of doing these things. When I smile I feel like I am acting but my smile is so real that people cannot understand what is behind it. I go meet friends and become of the center of the gathering in a very short time and people think I am enjoying my life but I ask myself when I stand in front of the mirror “Were you really enjoying?”. Then I cannot answer it all. 

I used to dream of many things when I was much more younger. I used to dream of changing the world, I used to believe that my birth in this world is a significant incident and I am born to change this world. But now a days, I feel like the world has actually changed me a lot. Sometimes I look for somebody to express the heavy things inside my mind but I can’t get anybody. Sometimes, I really want to shout and tell the world “Listen to me please, I have many thing to say!” but later I understand that it is not a very good idea. Life is very hectic for me. Sometimes, I really think I made my life hectic myself but sometimes, I really cannot agree with that. My life has become like a slow motion movie where everything is moving very slow and I am not moving at all. That means, I can actually clearly see that my surroundings are changing but I am not and it is very painful. The people close to me, the birds used to sing for me, the wind that used to blow for me  is now changing their mode to a complete brand new direction but I am still facing at them and expecting “they might look back to me”. But, we, human beings, expect something but things never happen following our expectations. 

Now, I am on my bed, 4:00 am in the morning, dark everywhere, very cold, putting my laptop on my lap and typing these things – but I don’t really know why I am doing it. I don’t even know if I want somebody to read it. In fact, I am not sure who will read it though. Life is becoming very meaning less for me. I cannot find the meaning of existence. Nobody can give me the answer, the meaning. 

I am afraid that I will never find the meaning of existence ever. If I don’t then why I was born? Why I am in world? Just to live a life like this where my days starts with sad memories and ends with never ending frustration. In the last 36 hours I didn’t really sleep. I tried but I couldn’t. I don’t know why. I just turn left and right on my bed but I cannot find the comfort. But my life was not like this before! Even few months back! I used to love sleeping, used to love fun, my work, my friends and this world. Life was so colorful for me. Why it became so pale. Sometimes people tell me “I think you are in love”, but it’s not that. Love is word that I have deleted from my Dictionary long time ago. I don’t believe there is such thing called true love. And I was absolutely happy without love. 

May be someday I will find out. I am having another day starting after few hours. Get ready, shower, take out the car, drive to work, a cup of tea, checking Stock Exchange quote, checking emails and appointments & meetings, talking to clients, going to lunch, briefing the staffs, give some nice idea about doing things in a better way, laugh and encourage the people around me and then, I at 5:30 PM, I get back to my driving seat, and everytime I do that; a long breath comes out and then I know that I am back to my own dark world where there is nobody for me. I start the engine, drive the car and get back to my place and repeat the same old thing I do everyday without any meaning. 

This is my journey, the ultimate journey which is never ending.

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§ 5 Responses to An Ultimate Journey – Never Ending

  • Chhonno Chhara says:

    We do mistakes in our lives.And When we start to think that evrything is over, may be from that point there is another beginning of a new life.They say when you can not go back you must go forward along this path of our life.We dont know where it will take us! But we must keep our eyes open.And only then we will see the light when another door opens for us.Another door for a happy simple life…I would like to believe all those words that i typed above.Enjoy your journey !

  • Tonima says:

    Hey,

    I don’t know you. I’ve only read this one post of yours, so excuse me if you find what i write to be inappropriate or you find that i don’t understand you.

    There is only one person, one entity, who is capable of making you think your life is meaningless and without colour. And that is you. What makes life exciting is change. You need a change, a new perspective. Take a day off work, go somewhere you’ve never been before and go with only yourself. And don’t think, just do. Maybe go climb a mountain or go to a beach you’ve never been to. Just relax. And hopefully, by taking a big break from everything that you do normally, you can find yourself again. Even if that is only realising that you are happy you are alive, that is a start to further realisations about yourself. The mountain idea is good (it damn near kills you… and then once you achieve your goal you feel like you’re the most powerful and most blessed thing in the world).

    All the best. Don’t be sooo beat up. I find that people who truely come to realise they love that they are alive find many things to be happy about and enjoy life, even if they are critically uncertain about the future or even if there is much of a future left (terminal patients).

    You should try to love life as much as possible, in the hope that when it comes time to look back and take an overall view of your life, you like what you see 🙂

    • nahidrains says:

      A good advice. But probably it doesn’t apply to me. I am trying to find the meaning of existence. I will keep looking for it until the day I Die.

  • Tonima says:

    The meaning of existance is….. having the chance to exist. What you make of it, however, is the worth of existance. And the worth of existance is a thousand times more important than its meaning. Because meaning comes from the value you place on your existance, and that is determined by its worth.

    Don’t be dumb trying to look for it. Discover life without trying to make it into a treasure hunt where X-marks-the-spot. I’m sure you’ll find that, rather than one treasure at the end of the journey, there are jewels hidden along the whole length of your path. You just have to open your eyes again, and look beyond the day-to-day to find them.

    Don’t look for “the meaning of existance”, it will find you. Live your life as if you are newly born and everything is exciting every day. If you try to harness this mentality, you will find yourself believing it. And you will find yourself noticing little things, new people, new places, new ideas, in a way you never considered before and take pleasure and enjoyment from it.

    I’m sorry if this sounds like a bad Oprah episode, but really…. you shouldn’t make yourself feel this way

  • nahidrains says:

    But when you find you are alone in this war, what do you do? I am all alone in this war and I fight alone, I don’t have anybody to fight with me. I fght everyday and I loose and I am weaker now. And someday, I will be over and the war so. May be this is meaning of my existance.

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