An Ultimate Journey – Never Ending
March 18, 2009 § 5 Comments
Now a days I really feel tired of life for some reason. I am losing interest in doing things. I know the world around me is so colorful but it is becoming very pale for me. I feel suffocated. I feel like I am in a cage and I can’t get out from here. I want to breath like ocean but however I can’t even breath like a melting ice.
Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason. I sit on my bed and I start thinking. But I cannot track my thoughts by any means. I cannot concentrate in anything. My life has changed a lot in the last few months and I have completely off the track where I used to be. I feel like I am in the middle of nowhere. I meet friends, I go office, I laugh, I smile and I make fun, I walk, I drive, I take the tram sometimes, I sit beside the river or I walk through the park – but I cannot get the meaning of doing these things. When I smile I feel like I am acting but my smile is so real that people cannot understand what is behind it. I go meet friends and become of the center of the gathering in a very short time and people think I am enjoying my life but I ask myself when I stand in front of the mirror “Were you really enjoying?”. Then I cannot answer it all.
I used to dream of many things when I was much more younger. I used to dream of changing the world, I used to believe that my birth in this world is a significant incident and I am born to change this world. But now a days, I feel like the world has actually changed me a lot. Sometimes I look for somebody to express the heavy things inside my mind but I can’t get anybody. Sometimes, I really want to shout and tell the world “Listen to me please, I have many thing to say!” but later I understand that it is not a very good idea. Life is very hectic for me. Sometimes, I really think I made my life hectic myself but sometimes, I really cannot agree with that. My life has become like a slow motion movie where everything is moving very slow and I am not moving at all. That means, I can actually clearly see that my surroundings are changing but I am not and it is very painful. The people close to me, the birds used to sing for me, the wind that used to blow for me is now changing their mode to a complete brand new direction but I am still facing at them and expecting “they might look back to me”. But, we, human beings, expect something but things never happen following our expectations.
Now, I am on my bed, 4:00 am in the morning, dark everywhere, very cold, putting my laptop on my lap and typing these things – but I don’t really know why I am doing it. I don’t even know if I want somebody to read it. In fact, I am not sure who will read it though. Life is becoming very meaning less for me. I cannot find the meaning of existence. Nobody can give me the answer, the meaning.
I am afraid that I will never find the meaning of existence ever. If I don’t then why I was born? Why I am in world? Just to live a life like this where my days starts with sad memories and ends with never ending frustration. In the last 36 hours I didn’t really sleep. I tried but I couldn’t. I don’t know why. I just turn left and right on my bed but I cannot find the comfort. But my life was not like this before! Even few months back! I used to love sleeping, used to love fun, my work, my friends and this world. Life was so colorful for me. Why it became so pale. Sometimes people tell me “I think you are in love”, but it’s not that. Love is word that I have deleted from my Dictionary long time ago. I don’t believe there is such thing called true love. And I was absolutely happy without love.
May be someday I will find out. I am having another day starting after few hours. Get ready, shower, take out the car, drive to work, a cup of tea, checking Stock Exchange quote, checking emails and appointments & meetings, talking to clients, going to lunch, briefing the staffs, give some nice idea about doing things in a better way, laugh and encourage the people around me and then, I at 5:30 PM, I get back to my driving seat, and everytime I do that; a long breath comes out and then I know that I am back to my own dark world where there is nobody for me. I start the engine, drive the car and get back to my place and repeat the same old thing I do everyday without any meaning.
This is my journey, the ultimate journey which is never ending.